Fealty to the 14th or true love lived every day?
Joseph Mackereth
Oh, Valentine’s Day, you anxiety-pumping scourge of a holiday. You seem innocuous enough. Tell someone you love them. Send a child a card. Share sweets with your sweet. But this holiday has morphed into the competitive battlefield for the coupled. It’s become the Godzilla of Hallmark holidays.
Over my lifetime, I have felt more pressure, more anxiety, more disapproval over Valentine’s Day than I have ever felt about the mother of all holidays, Christmas. Christmas is a cozy holiday. Cuddly clothes, fireplaces, cocoa and gifts, and I love the whole hygge vibe of Christmas.
But Valentine’s Day, that’s a totally different story. In elementary school it starts. How many Valentine’s cards did you get? Please let me get cards in my construction paper envelope. In high school and college, you need something bigger, perhaps a fluffy stuffed animal. If presented in front of your friends, even better. In adulthood, it’s monster-sized. Prove your love to your sweetheart with the biggest and best flowers delivered to their workplace at four times their normal costs so all their co-workers turn green with envy, preferably with an add-on like a teddy bear or bottle of champagne to seal the deal. It’s the human equivalent of marking your territory. I think it would be far less complicated if we did just wee on each other’s leg to say to the world, “Back off, this one’s mine.”
My favorite day on the holiday calendar is February 15th. Chocolate is on sale and the unreasonable expectations have receded to wait for next year’s opportunity to disappoint your partner. I know all y’all may not feel this way, but I know I am not alone in my past-trauma induced anxiety.
I have too many memories of being shoehorned into a popular restaurant, elbow-to-elbow with the next table, while the kitchen slides into the weeds and the wait staff becomes overwhelmed. What are we thinking, going out on the busiest restaurant night of the year, for a quiet, romantic dinner? How was quiet and romance supposed to take place in the middle of crowded chaos? Trick question, it can’t.
The fix is not to participate in the silliness. This is a problem for you “on the day” people who believe that Valentine’s must be celebrated on February 14th or not at all. To have a good experience, you have to show a little flexibility. Your Valentine’s might be on February 13th or the 15th or the 20th or even March 1st. Roll with it. Do your thing. Don’t bow down to the golden calf of Hallmark. Make the holiday what you want and when you want. Personalize it for you, not to meet others’ expectations.
My first husband celebrated only on the day. Great big showstopping floral displays delivered to my office. They looked like a cross between funeral flowers and an arrangement in front of the minister’s podium. They were just big. Dinner on the night of the 14th. It was all very showy and all very hollow. Being a true introvert, my primary reaction to those public dinners was stress: The dinners weren’t for me. The goal was to show off, peacock strutting, to complete strangers. I felt like a prop. I did not feel—in any shape or form—loved. Ick. Make my therapy appointment now. It got so bad I faked a Valentine’s Day illness on occasion. Cough, cough. Sniff.
So how have I changed in my approach to Valentine’s Day? I got a brand new upgrade husband who is far more sensible and kind. We celebrate chocolate sales day instead. We celebrate when convenient. We celebrate when the waiters aren’t curled up in a fetal position behind the bar to hide from barking-mad lovers. And most importantly, we show each other we love each other every smooching day, not when Hallmark demands its due.
He notices my car needs to be inspected and just takes it. He makes sure I have ice in the freezer for my beloved iced tea. He lets me sleep if I’ve had a hard week at work. He wraps me in comfort and kindness every day of the year. Beat that, Saint Valentine!
The story above first appeared in our January / February 2023 issue. For more like it subscribe today or log in with your active BRC+ Membership. Thank you for your support!