The holiday letter can go one way. Or the other.
Lindsey Richards Barnes
Happy holidays! We are currently in our sparkliest season and you know that I love all things glittery. I’m basically a magpie in a human shell and I adore shiny objects so this is my season. Let’s put our best foot forward and sparkle like the jewels we are. Let’s tinsel the world!
It’s a given that not every year is spectacular. Some years are amazing, and your family and friends have good fortune, good health and good attitudes. Sometimes it feels like the past year was a super-long mid-term exam and you’re just grateful that it’s ending and a brand-new year is about to pop. I understand. Life is full of ups and downs and every one of us has experienced that. There’s no shame in it. When you can, you’ll do better.
Like I said, there’s no dishonor in having a year that did not live up to your expectations. There is a bucket load of shame in baldfaced lying about it in a holiday newsletter to your friends and family, though. Don’t you remember crying to us about your little Samuel, aged 37, having his license suspended for a road rage incident with an elementary school bus last March? In your holiday newsletter you said, “We are so proud of our Sammy, going back to school to improve himself.” Conveniently forgot to mention that it was court-mandated anger management classes. If a judge enrolls you, it’s not higher learning.
I have never been a fan of holiday newsletters, but I do appreciate when the author goes above and beyond and does the newsletter in the form of a poem. Hearing that your husband lost his job and is now depressed just sounds a lot more festive if the news rhymes.
My husband Cecil lost his job
After 28 years. Such a nob.
Oh how loudly he did lament.
But he couldn’t deny the embezzlement.
Now that he’s guilty, he’s born again.
Got time to preach, got five to ten.
You don’t need to polish up whatever travails you’ve endured the past year to make them look like accomplishments. We’ve all had our hiccups in life. We’re your friends. We are sympathetic. We all knew Cecil was an absolute dog toy from the word go, but you thought you could fix him. How’d that go?
Iambic pentameter does not frost over felonies but I do appreciate your efforts. It’s just as transparent to say that your cousin Maria has spent the year immersed in the field of medicine when what that actually meant is that Maria had four visits this year to the free clinic for STDs. It sounds like Maria needs to be “immersed” in a vat of Lysol.
Also, if you have taken more than one vacation in the past year, I do not want to hear about them. I am happy for you, honestly, but being regaled about your ski trip, your cruise, your Disney vacation for the kids and your fall leafing drive through New England just makes me wonder how much money Cecil grabbed and where he stashed it.
If your children are sport stars, Mensa candidates and being offered full scholarships, just shut up. Once again, that’s fabulous and I’m happy for you. I also get the urge to throw a coffee cup through the window when you offer your fledglings up as model human beings. I have seen your child eat dirt. It is impossible to impress someone who has changed your diaper. Who has taught you to use a spoon. Who has pulled you out of a field when you tried to pet the fat horsey (bull). Happy you won the Nobel prize, Scooter. Stay away from the livestock.
Connecting with friends and family is always a good thing. Looking forward to a new year is a good thing. Having hope for our future is a truly amazing thing. Getting through a difficult year with a sense of humor is a fabulous thing. Getting through any year with a sense of wonder and gratitude is a spectacular thing.
Signing off 2024 and wishing you the best,
It’s me and Patrick and our dogs, Biscuit,
Squirrel, Tonks, and Bertie,
Dobby and Paige.
We wish you an excellent year, nothing lifeless or beige.
Robust health, fat bank accounts, happiness galore,
We wish all this for you and so much more.
Have an amazing 2025.
Show the world why you’re here and alive.
The story above first appeared in our November / December 2024 issue. For more like it subscribe today or log in with your active BRC+ Membership. Thank you for your support!